Ch 8 ~ Happy Together... Not

Rachel’s quick phone call to the office, declaring it a “mental health day”, wasn’t a lie.  While it probably wouldn’t take long to find out what Jon wanted, she would need the rest of the day to recover her mental health after he left.

She wiped her mouth and put her toothbrush away before regarding her reflection in the bathroom mirror.  Her hair was typical morning hair, but a quick brushing had it presentable enough for coffee with a stubble-jawed man. 

Should I get dressed?

“Nah,” she murmured, turning from the mirror and the reflection of her navy pinstriped pajamas.  “These cover as much as any clothes.  Let’s just get this over with.”

As she descended the stairs to do just that, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee met her halfway.  She nudged the thermostat to a higher temperature as she passed by and then followed her nose back into the family room.  There, she discovered that she needn’t have worried about the thermostat.  The sound of popping wood burning in the fireplace drew her eyes, and she saw that Jon had built the fire bigger.

It tugged her heartstrings that he remembered how she loved to sip coffee by the fire on winter mornings.  It was her second favorite way to start the day, she thought as her eyes slid to the man reclined comfortably on one end of the sofa.

My very favorite way to start the day is making love with him. 

As good as he looked on that sofa with both socked feet stretched out over the cushions, it was a little odd to find him sitting anywhere but the leather chair closest to the fireplace.  That was where he’d always taken up residence in this room – unless he wanted to be close to her.  Apparently, he wanted to be close to her for this... whatever this was.  Conversation, she supposed.

A coffee cup rested on the near corner of the sofa table, in front of the one free cushion not covered by his backside or legs.  It silently confirmed that she was expected to sit on the couch with him. 

This isn’t good for me.  Close is a bad idea.

“You do realize those pajamas are sexy as hell, right?  Like... Hugh Hefner slumber party sexy.”

A very bad idea.

“Is this mine?” she asked innocently, choosing not to respond to the...compliment.  She only bent over and lifted the oversized mug before he had time to answer the rhetorical question.  Who else’s would it be since he held the mate to the biggest coffee cup she owned?

His disappointed frown was fleeting as he crossed his ankles.  For a moment she thought he was going to push the topic, but he ended up graciously accepting her diversionary tactic, instead.

“It is.  In fact, I made you a double because I want your full attention.”

She sipped the coffee and her head immediately fell back to savor the decadent pleasure.  Jon made better coffee than anybody she knew.  It was a delightful Tuesday morning treat.  In fact, that was probably the best way to approach this entire thing.  She would treat his visit as a delightful treat instead of mentally envisioning him ripping the stitches out of her healing heart. 

“So do I have it?”

Lost in her own thoughts, she blinked owlishly at him for a moment. 

“Have what?”

“Your full attention, Rachel.”

It’s an unexpected treat.  Smile and keep it light. 

“Yeah!  Of course!  Your coffee in front of a blazing fire?”  She snorted softly.  “I’m not turning my back on either one of those!  You have my attention until they’re both gone.” 

He swung his legs over the edge of the couch and brought himself to a seated position.  With one hand he put his coffee on a coaster while the other patted the cushion, indicating that he wanted her to sit with him. 

She didn’t want to cause unnecessary friction, but she intentionally left one cushion empty between them.  To his credit, he didn’t remark on the subtle slight.  He wordlessly gave a tug to the blanket he must have folded and draped over the couch and settled it over her lap – making her feel a bit like a heel.

It was evidence of yet one more of her personal preferences that he recalled.  Rachel always had a blanket across her lap.

Move on, Rachel. 

She settled in with a tiny nod of thanks.  One more fortifying sip of coffee and she determinedly cut to the chase.  “Alright, Jon… the floor is yours.  What’s up?”

“Tell me why you wouldn’t come last night.”

He was short and to the point, she thought, just the way she liked it, but...

“Seriously?  All this...”  She waved her hand in the air, the gesture intended to encompass both last night and this morning.  “...is because I didn’t go to your concert?  Holy mother of pearl.  Wouldn’t a text message have sufficed?”

“No.  It’s too easy for you to brush me off, as you’ve proven more than once in the last couple of weeks. Just answer the question.” 

Once again, she was struck by how he didn’t verbally jump on her with both feet.  The words could have easily carried angry impatience – that was his native tongue, after all – but they didn’t.  He seemed...  softer somehow. 

That softness made Rachel want to find the words that would make him understand without making this unnecessarily complicated, but she just wasn’t sure she had them.  

You won’t know unless you try.

She sipped the coffee, letting the heavenly flavor sit in her mouth for longer than usual while she frantically searched her brain for some middle ground.  What she ended up with was, “You and I just don’t work.  Every time I see, or even talk to you, it stirs up all sorts of crap that I want and need to leave behind.”

“Rach, we used to love each other!  I respected your decision to leave and didn’t give you a hassle.  How does that make me such an ogre that you can’t drive a coupla miles to see me?  Throw me a bone, for Chrissake!”

The voice was still quiet, but frustration was seeping in around the edges.  He was taking her choices as a sign of rejection, when they were actually acts of sheer self-preservation. 

She sighed quietly. 

You can’t let him think that, Rachel.  It’s not fair.

They had never played games and always spoken what was on their minds.  Sometimes that might have been too harsh, but they had always been upfront with each other.  It was the one thing about their relationship that was still intact and Rachel refused to be the one responsible for destroying it.

She leaned forward, placing her coffee on the table before turning toward him and closely inspecting the familiar blue eyes that were currently clouded with confusion. 

“You have to understand that I truly believe, deep down in my heart, that once you love someone, you love them forever.  Otherwise, you didn’t love them in the first place.”

She slid her hand across the empty cushion that separated them, gently wrapping her fingers around his and squeezing. 

“I loved you when we were together and that means I always will.  No exception.  The problem with that is, when I see you, all those feelings immediately come bubbling to the surface and overwhelm me.  I want to touch you, laugh with you, have my morning coffee with you and...”

Make love to you, fuck you and spend every minute of the rest of my life with you. 

“... all the stuff that goes along with that.  That’s my heart talking.  My head, however, knows that all that good stuff will, eventually, turn into bad stuff.  We inevitably end up hurting each other and, face it, Jon – we’re vicious when we do.”  Her chest hurt just thinking about it.  Rachel shook her head sadly, withdrawing her hand as she did.  “I can’t have that kind of roller coaster ride in my life.”

His expression was nothing short of incredulous.  “So you’re willing to give up all the good stuff because of a couple bumps in the road?  What the hell kind of sense does that make?  That’s not realistic, Rachel.  In fact, it’s fairytale propaganda horseshit.”

Had he really managed to forget how bad those things were?  How they never managed to resolve disagreements, just fell into bed until it all didn’t seem so bad?

“It’s more than a ‘couple bumps in the road’, Jon.”

“Matter of opinion,” he declared with the toss of one hand.  “I mean, are you really happier now than you were when we had each other?”

That was the kicker.  She wasn’t.

But you can be, given the time and space to properly heal!

“I… Well… For right now, I’m just trying to get comfortable with my new reality.  I’m trying to manage the pain until I’ve found a way to put it in its proper place.  Then it will become a small piece in the canvas of my life... and I can move on.”

His jaw twitched with the words he was biting back.  That little feat wasn’t something she was used to seeing from him and it earned him silent kudos – which vanished as soon as he unclenched his jaw and opened his mouth. 

“I don’t know where all this ‘self-help’ pop psychology shit has come from and I’m trying to be patient while you spout cult nonsense at me, but I’d really just like an answer to my actual question.  Are you happier?”

Rachel found herself irritated at his digging.  Who was he to question her coping mechanism?  He wasn’t here while she’d suffered and second guessed every decision she’d made since meeting him. 

She had been congenial and allowed him time to speak his mind.  She even allowed his curiosity to be assuaged by answering questions that were no longer any of his business.  She wouldn’t allow any more. 

Jon Bon Jovi had no right and to mess with her head and her search for tranquility. 

Subject closed.

“Happiness manifests itself in different forms and, for right now, the absence of pain makes me happy.  I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t try and sabotage my efforts.”  The once-cozy blanket was now cloistering and she tossed it aside to rise from the couch.  “You’re welcome to use the guest bathroom if you need to before you leave.  I’m going to take my shower.”