Ch 28 ~ Bi-Polarity

He has GOT to stop dropping these bombs on me!

Rachel’s mind was the only thing in motion after Jon’s little announcement.  The rest of her was frozen in his grasp and she couldn’t move past the echo of his voice.  “And… if that includes more kids… I’ll give you that, too.”

Each word had attached to it a different emotion and those emotions multiplied like a field of rabbits, kicking her in the chest with their thumping feet.  Some of those feet were a pleasant tickling of emotion, bringing with them an amazing sense of being offered everything she’d ever wanted – on a silver platter, in fact.  Other rabbit feet were viciously negative and kicked the hell out of her euphoria.

Aren’t rabbit feet supposed to be lucky? Shouldn’t I feel lucky?

She should be over-the-moon thrilled, because in the span of 30 seconds, Jon had offered her the whole ball of wax.  The whole enchilada.  Not just a piece of the pie, but the whole blessed bakery.  Marriage, children, happily ever after…  It was a girl’s – her – dream come true. 

Theoretically, perhaps, but Rachel couldn’t get past the fact that, a few months ago these things, this particular ball of wax held as much appeal to Jon as ear wax.   Marriage and children, in fact, had been a pretty big part of the reason they’d split up.  Back then, he’d been completely adamant – nasty – in his desire not to have more children.  Every time the subject had come up…  Well, the things he said had been beyond ugly.   

“I’ve been perfectly clear about not wanting any more kids, Rachel.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking I’ll be any more receptive to one you surprise me with.”

“Well maybe I don’t wanna have kids with a woman who can’t face up to real life so she runs away from me every chance she gets.  Just maybe I want the mother of my children to stay and fight instead of running away all the time!  Didja ever think of that??!!”

Rachel’s chest went tight.  She drew her shoulders up defensively at the recollection, the memory of those conversations was just as painful tonight as it had been then.  He had apologized, but the words couldn’t be unspoken once they’d been hurled. 

Children had always been a taboo topic with Jon.  It had sent him into outer space when he found out she hadn’t been taking birth control, because he didn’t want any more kids.  Period.  They’d never discussed it, so Rachel had felt there was no decision to be made.  She loved Jon, Jon didn’t want kids, and that was that.  He had dictated their course and, until that moment, she didn’t realize how resentful she’d been of those dictatorial tendencies.

And now…  Now he was ready to get married at the drop of a hat?  And have kids on top of it all?  Rachel just couldn’t trust it. 

Not that she didn’t trust him.  She did.  And she’d made her peace with those arguments long ago. 

All that was in the past, and that’s where it would stay, but whatever was going on with this new Jon…  It was absolutely too terrifying to put all her faith in.  It was just too much to hope for that she could really have it all back.  A husband, children… A real home and family again. 

Damn him.  Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn him!

He hadn’t wanted more kids.  Fine.  She’d accepted that.  They couldn’t seem to work out their problem?  Fine.  She’d hated it with every fiber of her being, but she had re-set her sails to a life without him.  She was balanced.  She was steady on her feet. 

Then he comes back into my life like a hurricane – an unstoppable force of nature – giving me everything I’d reconciled myself to not having.   He’s knocked me flat on my ass and the ceiling is spinning above me.  SONOFABITCH!

“Rach?”  Jon waved his hand in front of her eyes, as if to snap her out of her trance.  “Where’d you go, baby?”

She blinked quickly, bringing his face into focus, but she didn’t immediately speak.  In the past, Rachel would have skirted the issue, or given in to the simmering, festering pot of resentment.  It would be easy to slide right back into that groove, but she was all too aware it had been part of their problem.  She wasn’t always able to apply the communication skills she had in the boardroom to real life.  Facts and figures were much easier to relay than intangible thoughts and emotions.

Figure it out, Rachel.  He’s trying to do his part to make this work.  If things are going to be different this time around, you’ve got to do yours, too.

“I… I went to the past, I guess.  And I’m trying to figure out how to talk to you about all the things I’m feeling without fighting.”  Frustration had tears welling as she struggled with the right words and – on the opposite end of the spectrum – she was overwhelmed with a whole new appreciation for the efforts he’d made and was making.  This changing thing wasn’t easy.  “Jon, you just offered me what I would’ve considered the world on a silver platter and I’m being… bipolar!”

“Tears AND bipolar, huh?  That’s a new one for you.”    Looking amused, he cupped his hands on her shoulders and squeezed.  “All ya gotta do is tell me what you want, baby, and I’ll make it happen.”

Gee, doesn’t that sound simple? 

Frustration built anew and was accompanied by confusion that momentarily drained Rachel.  “I don’t know what I want,” she whispered.    

“Meaning… you don’t know if you want all this?  Or you don’t know if you want it all with me?” he asked cautiously, while shifting beneath her.    

“I know I want you,” she murmured.  Her eyes dropped to his forearm and she lightly scraped her fingernails through the light hair.  “But… I’m not sure I want marriage – or kids – anymore.  I know that makes me look like an indecisive nutcase, but things feel so different now.”

“Different between us?”

“I don’t know.  I guess.  I feel like I’m in whirlwind of emotions going at warp speed since you came back.  Before, you didn’t want anything to do with wedding rings or babies, and now I’m the one who can’t pull the trigger.  I think…. I think I’m afraid of the reasons for your sudden willingness to do all this.” 

Rachel fought the urge to sob like a child in the face of all she was feeling.  The emotions were so overpowering that she had to fight the ingrained instinct that she’d been trying so hard to quell these last few months.  It took everything she had not to just shut herself down and run away.  Emotionally, mentally and physical she wanted nothing more than to flee this difficult situation – this difficult conversation.

But you’re not going to.  Cry all the way through if you have to, but you’re going to tell him what you’re feeling. 

During their entire relationship, Jon had encouraged her to jump off the proverbial ledge.  He’d sworn he’d be there to catch her if she’d just trust him, but she’d never taken the leap.

Now she would find out what they were both made of.  The time had come to jump.    

Her eyes finally lifted to meet his as she took flight and prayed he was as good as his word.  “I’m afraid that you’re just doing this for me.  That, if you had only yourself to please, just having me in your life would be enough.  If you don’t need me to be your wife – deep down need like you need your next breath – then I don’t want you to be my husband.”

There.  She did it.  She told him exactly what she was feeling without the world around them exploding into World War 3.

“Rach…”  Jon touched her face and she found herself drowning in the affection that shone from his eyes.  He was going to catch her.  He wasn’t going to let her guts splatter all over the pavement.  “Thank you for trusting me enough to say that.  There was a time when you would’ve just picked a fight or fucked my brains out until I forgot what we were talking about.” 

“I’m trying to make this work.”

“And so am I.  You left because I wasn’t willing to offer you the kind of love and security that you’d been missing.  Well, I’m willing now.  I tried living without you and I hated it.  I was the most miserable motherfucker you’ll ever meet and – bottom line – I won’t lose you again.”  He bent to touch his lips to hers.  “I’m offering, Rachel.  All you have to do is accept.”

It was tempting.  Oh so tempting, but his answer still didn’t give her the warm fuzzy feelings that would make it alright. 

She smiled sadly and shook her head.  “I can’t explain it.  It feels… rushed.  I don’t know… maybe it’s being here – I hate it here.  Everything feels phony.  Even the damned Eiffel Tower is phony.  I keep expecting it to deflate like a cheap blow-up doll.”

He snorted at her comment and the echo of that dorky snort made Rachel laugh.  And just like that, the heaviness was carried away on their laughter. 

“Cheap porn shop Eiffel Tower?” he inquired with a wide grin.

“You’d know better than I would!  I don’t hang out in tacky porn shops.”

“Neither do I!   I hang out in the classy porn shops.”

“Oh?”  She quirked an eyebrow, grateful beyond grateful to banter with him instead of argue.  “I had no idea such an animal existed.  You’ll have to take me sometime.”

“As long as you’re with me, I don’t need nothin’ they got.  And you sure as fuck don’t need any gadgetry when I’m around.” 

“Mm.  If you’re operating it, I might be convinced….”

Jon’s laugh was husky, deep back in his throat, inviting Rachel to join him.  Her chuckle breathed across his mouth and she could smell the intoxicating wine on his breath.  The laughter left his eyes to be replaced by pure unadulterated lust and, before she could do more than part her lips, they were kissing like two love-sick teenagers.   His hands wound into her hair, his tongue twisted around hers and, together, they set the couch afire with the incendiary flames that had always accompanied the connection of their bodies.    

Rachel’s bare leg draped across his and she crawled onto his lap, straddling his legs and shivering at the way the denim rasped against the flesh of her inner thighs. Her hands crept inside the two open top-buttons of his shirt, sighing with appreciation when she found the downy mat of fur that coated his chest.  With a sultry wink, she worked the remainder of the buttons free and pushed the dark fabric to the sides, exposing what she considered her own personal fuzzy playground.  

His chest hair makes me just a little bit crazy…

While she fumbled with the button of her own satin pajama top, eager to press her bare chest into his, Jon wasn’t wasting any time himself.  He slipped his hands under her butt cheeks, the wide palms and fingers cupping her flesh and setting her a tingle.  When she leaned into his chest and he gave an easy squeeze, she whimpered with pleasure.    

“Okay…”  he breathed into her hair.  “So you don’t like the setting here and you feel a little rushed.”  His fingers were now kneading the rounded globes of her bottom.  “I’ll dial back until I come up with something that knocks your socks off.  How’s that?”

This again?  Wasn’t this water under the bridge, yet?  He seriously expected Rachel to think while she was draped over him like a boneless cat?  His breath, his touch, and his heat were removing any chance of clear thought. 

“If it means we can have sex, sure.  Knock yourself out.”

The rumble of his chuckling chest beneath her caused shivers.  “Rachel…”

“Mmm…”  She rolled her hips so that the fly on his pants hit just the right spot.  “This isn’t me avoiding a conversation, honey.  This is me being distracted by your yummy factor.  A girl can only stand so much Jon Bon Jovi-ness.”

“Yeah, but you’re not a girl.  You’re alllll woman.”

She swiped her tongue across his neck, sorely tempted to suck the musky spot where she loved to bury her nose. “Can you go on stage with a hickey?  Or is that considered passé?”

Jon’s thumb crept across the top of her leg and into the valley between her legs.  He drove her crazy, alternating between scraping her clit with his thumb nail and dipping into the moist pool there. 

“What?  You can’t think of anything else to suck hard enough to leave a mark?”

Rachel scooted down his lap, kissing his chest and stomach all the way down until her bare feet touched the carpet.  She slowly sank to her knees in front of him with a wicked grin as she tugged to free his belt.   “So we’re finished talking?” 

Jon dropped his head to the back of the sofa with a quiet grunt and raked his hands into her hair.  “I proposed for the second time and you shot me down again.  What’s left to say?  Your mouth can be put to better use.”

His pants were stripped away and tossed, leaving him wide open to Rachel’s every oral whim.  She could taunt, please or satisfy him with the lightest kiss, a delicate nibble or a full-on swipe of her tongue.     

“Are you sure?” she teased as his fingers tightened against her scalp in the move of a man about to lose his manners. “Because, if not, just remember it was YOU who wanted to be seduced instead of talking.”

“Whatthefuckever.  Just get to work – and don’t forget that twisty thing you do with your tongue while you’re down there.”

She didn’t forget that little twisty thing, or any of the other little tricks Jon liked with the soft, underside of her tongue.   He was treated to the blowjob of all blowjobs.  Rachel’s tongue, hands and lips all worked their best choreography over him in a way that drove him stark, raving mad.  He was getting antsy for more and shifted, rolling his hips and fisting her hair tight enough to pull.  Rachel couldn’t resist scraping her teeth over the plump, throbbing head as she sucked with all her might.

“Ah! Fuck, Rach!  Easy does it!  Watch the teeth!” 

Releasing him with a loud ‘pop’, she soothed the scrape with a final swipe of her tongue before climbing back onto his lap.  She locked into his eyes with a satisfied smirk as she positioned herself appropriately and enjoyed the hard, slow slide of him pressing inside her. 

“Stop being a baby.  You said you wanted me to suck something besides your neck, so I did.  Now you’ll have a wicked hickey right on the head of your dick.”

“Christ almighty,” he grunted, rocking against her.  “When did you learn the fine art of sex talk?  You…  Unnh…  never did that before.”

Rachel lifted herself off of him briefly before dropping herself back down with a satisfying slap of flesh.  Digging her nipples into the forest of chest hair, she clenched her inner muscles until he growled and then ground herself into him. 

“Don’t need to talk. It’s the one time we’re always in sync.” 

Jon roughly grabbed both sides of her head again, burying his fingers into her hair and forcing his tongue inside her mouth for a soul-sucking kiss.  “I love a woman who lets her body do the talkin’.”

And that was all the talking they needed.  She might not be sure about all of ‘new Jon’s’ motives, but the way his face and body relaxed and tensed at the same time, the way he called out her name when he climaxed, the way he held her in the aftermath….

Rachel was certain no other woman had ever made Jon feel the way she did.