Ch 32 ~ Moving On

After finishing her final drink last night, Rachel had stiffened her spine and stalked silently away to the bedroom, and Jon let her go.  She needed her space and, to be honest, so did he.  The way she had visibly been clutching her dignity like a lifeline left Jon mentally replaying the entire scene and doing some heavy-duty soul searching. 

He was afforded a couple of uncomfortable epiphanies in the process and needed to extend apologies to Rachel.  She wasn’t going to be receptive that night, so Jon wordlessly crawled in bed next to her.   He knew she didn’t want to talk, and she sure as hell didn’t want him pawing at her, but he needed a little physical contact.

Far on the other side of the bed, Rachel was on her back with one arm flung over her head and the other – the one closest to him – just lying at her side.  He scooted to the middle of the bed and carefully positioned his hand so that the outsides of their palms were just touching.  A deep-seated peace swept through him when he felt the heat of her skin on his when she hooked their pinky fingers together.

Forgiveness.  We’ll find forgiveness in each other’s arms tonight.

                                                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He may not have slept well, dozing only fitfully, but  he wasn’t worried about “them”.  This wasn’t a deal breaker.  They were going to be okay, but he still needed to figure out how to make it right.  That unease had him rising well before Rachel the next morning. 

Jon was slumped down into the sofa, dressed in nothing but a pair of jeans when she emerged from the bedroom.  He had coffee in one hand, paper in the other while CNN rattled quietly in the background.  Covertly skimming his eyes over her fresh-scrubbed face and comfy yoga clothes, he attempted to gauge her mood before setting his mug aside.

“Mornin’ baby.  Want some coffee?”

“I got it, thanks,” she returned, her voice as quiet and demure as his own.  

And that was it.  Five minutes later she was still sitting in the oversized chair across from him, sipping her coffee in complete and total silence.  He endured it for another two before Jon sighed, tossing the newspaper onto the cushion next to him and picked up his coffee for another slurp.   She clearly had nothing more to add to her comments from last night, but Jon had been working on his own commentary for better than an hour. 

“Rachel…”

Her eyes lifted to meet his over the rim of her cup.  She wasn’t interested in talking, but seemed receptive to listening.  That was good. 

“I thought a lot about what you said last night and I want you to know you were right.  I didn’t ask about your relationship with James because I didn’t wanna think there was something between the two of you.” 

Unwilling to endure the emotional or physical distance between them any longer, he got up from his spot on the couch and stood before the chair, indicating with a fluttering of his fingers that he wanted to sit with her in the wide chair.  She regarded him solemnly for a split second and then held her coffee aloft to prevent it from spilling and scooted over to make room for him.   Angling onto one hip, he draped his customary arm over her lap and, while she might have given him a warning look, Rachel didn’t push him away. 

“I’m sorry I embarrassed you,” he apologized quietly.  “And I’m sorry that the whole fuckin’ world knows I embarrassed you.  Your… distaste got me to thinking, though and – even though it might not make a difference to you – I’d like to explain the reason for my behavior.”

“Alright.”

“Well…  The simple truth is that I was runnin’ around with women I had no real interest in because they distracted me from missing you.  Do you have any idea how much I missed you?”

She knit her fingers together around the coffee mug, intently watching the liquid swirl inside the cup, and shook her head.    

“Rachel, the only reason this tour started in Hawaii was because I thought you were going to be living there and I’d be able to reconnect with you,” he revealed.  “The minute you set foot on that plane when you left New Jersey, my mind started laying the groundwork to get me back in your world.  I was so damned excited to get there, but, when I did, you were already gone...”

Jesus he sounded pathetic, even to himself, but if that’s what it took…

“Hawaii was fuckin’ miserable and then Seattle was five times worse because it was that much closer to California – and I was still without you.  By that time I was climbin’ the fuckin’ walls, about to lose my mind and when that girl looked at me with ‘fuck me’ in her eyes… Hell, I was nothing but a miserable man looking to get lost in something – or someone – for a few hours.  The only reason I was with those women, or any of the other women – and you may as well know right now that there were more – was because I couldn’t stand knowing the girl I loved didn’t want me anywhere near her.  I was lost without you.”

It felt like Rachel had been holding her breath during Jon’s entire speech and, when he stopped talking, she slowly exhaled.  “That’s supposed to make it better?”

“Better or not, it’s the truth and, well… I was hopin’ that it might not make hangin’ around seem like a death sentence.”  He poked her lightly in the side with his thumb and smiled.  “Or at least keep you from wanting to cut off my balls and sell ‘em on eBay.”

“Don’t tempt me,” she warned him with the ghost of a smile before sighing.  “I’m not going anywhere, Jon.  I told you before that I wouldn’t let go this time, and I meant it.  I know you did, too, so whatever comes our way… we’ll deal with it together.”

“The best thing to come out of all this was knowing – deep, down honest-to-God knowing – you weren’t gonna leave me.  Marry me, Rach.”

His arm tightened around her and rough, unshaven cheeks nuzzled into her neck and he nipped her affectionately.  They’d deal with it and they’d kick its ass.  They could kick anything’s ass together.

Although right now, with the additional lighthearted relief coursing through him, he’d rather bite her ass.  Or spank it.  Or something…

Rachel pulled her neck away from his nibbling mouth and looked down her nose, square into his eyes.  “Hey.  This isn’t ‘kiss and make up’ time.  I’ve still got hip-waders on to get through the rest of this shit.  As soon as I reinforce myself with a little more coffee, I’m going for a run, then I have to face the music and call my parents before they get wind of this little escapade of yours.  At my age, that shouldn’t be a nerve-rattling prospect, but it is, so I’m not happy about having to do it.  That means…”  She finally pushed his arm away so that she could stand.  “The sexual charm you ooze from your nearly-invisible pores isn’t enough to separate me from my panties yet.  So back off, or your balls will say ‘Buy It Now’ within the hour.”

Damn how he loved a woman who knew how to take charge.  Loved her, period.  She knew his shortcomings, accepted them, dealt with them and moved on.  No hysteria and minimal drama.  She was perfect.

“You are so fuckin’ hot right now,” he murmured, sneaking a hand out to run up the outside of her thigh and around to her ass.

She wanted to be pissed at him.  God, she wanted to be pissed.  He could see it plain as day on her face, but she laughed out loud in spite of herself.  “Your perversion knows no bounds,” she snorted, pushing him away.  “I’m gonna go for a run.  See if you can stay out of trouble while I’m gone, please.”