Chapter 16 ~ Lost Highway

Clouds hung low over central California, with rain intermittently splattering Rachel’s windshield as she zoomed up I-5 toward Sacramento’s Arco Arena exit.  

While the ninety minute commute wasn’t a particularly long one, it had felt like a blasted eternity as she repeatedly questioned the wisdom of the choice she was making.  With each moment that passed on the dashboard clock, she had reversed her decision about going to Jon’s show – to see him.  Up until the Tracy exit, she was going.  By Lathrop, she wasn’t, but Lodi found her committed again. 

Her hands clenched and released the steering wheel, restless and agitated, and she reached for the shuffle button on her iPhone.  Giving it the hundredth tap in as many miles, she still couldn’t find a song to soothe her anxiety. 

Tune after tune had hit a raw nerve of one kind or another.  Roxette had propagated the wisdom of listening to your heart, but Rachel snorted at that.  She’d done that once before and look where it had landed her – trapped in an emotional avalanche that she couldn’t find her way out of without guidance. 

Heart whined about being alone, but Rachel didn’t know that it wasn’t the best thing for her.  Alone, dependent upon only herself, she wouldn’t get hurt.

And you wouldn’t have anyone to share your life with.

Okay, then...  James was still an option.

No he’s not, Rachel.  Not really.  Is he?

Her mind may have waffled back and forth for the last hundred miles, but her foot never wavered from its mission as it grew heavier and heavier on the gas pedal.  After the third time she caught herself doing ninety miles an hour, Rachel had finally been forced to set the BMW’s cruise control at a law-abiding seventy, which she now disengaged with a sharp tap of the brake.

Traffic was thick at the freeway exit, but not unusually so for weekday commute traffic.  Fortunately, at four-thirty, most of it was headed away from Sacramento instead of into the city.  She still had thirty minutes until she was supposed to be at the arena.  There was plenty of time yet. 

Dropping the iPhone to navigate a turn and lane change allowed Carrie Underwood to take up residence in her stereo system.  Her regretful tune “Undo It” filtered through the speakers, further muddling Rachel’s mind as she navigated the roadway. 

They’d spoken every day since their Skype ‘dinner date’ in Florida.  Sometimes it was a short chat on the phone, while other times it was a more leisurely visit via Skype.   Things had been... perfect.   Almost too perfect.  It was like they’d never been apart.  He was attentive, interested in her day, thoughtful in making time for her and sending flowers to “put some sunshine” in her day. 

It was becoming entirely too easy to forget why they hadn’t worked the first time around.  When he’d popped back into her life, it felt so good… she couldn’t feel anything but the way he took away the throbbing ache caused from missing him.

Just as the the arena’s flashing sign came into view, flashing “BON JOVI TONIGHT!”, Carrie’s chorus of “You stole my happy, you made me cry” reminded Rachel of the reasons for leaving Jon in the first place.

Gliding to a stop at the traffic light a mere two blocks from the arena,  she knew she’d be a fool if she didn’t remember all the hurt and pain they’d inflicted on each other.  Then there was the fact that he didn’t want to get married.  He didn’t want to have more children.  He didn’t want to create solutions to their problems, he wanted to bury them in sex.

And it hadn’t just been one-sided.  Rachel had thrown her fair share of daggers at Jon.  Between her daggers and his personal preferences, they went from idyllic loves to strangers.  Enemies, even. Practically mortal enemies.

What am I doing?

Rachel’s knuckles went white in a fierce grip on the steering wheel at the same time fear fiercely gripped her heart.  The venue marquee had changed scenes to the band’s logo and then a picture of Jon that lit the match to a raging panic attack.

This was going to be a disastrous nightmare and would leave her with a broken heart all over again. 

The beat of Katy Perry’s “Hot and Cold” felt like a strobe as the artist chanted her catchy “we fight, we break up, we kiss, we make up”, further reinforcing Rachel’s fear that the past was a perfect indicator of the future. 

The hair stood up on the back of her neck as rain droplets dotted more insistently onto her windshield. Mother Nature was adding her opinion to the mix, it seemed and it was all the encouragement Rachel needed.  She made a sharp left turn beneath the overpass – and back onto the freeway in the direction she’d just come from. 

She couldn’t do this again. 

She couldn’t get caught up in something that was only going to leave her having to say goodbye.  That was going to leave her broken and devastated.  Again.  There had been enough devastation in her life.  One more round might just be more than she could handle.  At the very least, it was more than she was willing to subject herself to.

Jesus, Rachel!  What were you thinking to put yourself back in this position? 

Wet pavement was quickly eaten up by her fleeing vehicle while Rihanna sang “Rude Boy” and The Beatles’ “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” cued up as Rachel rushed down the road trying to get as far away as possible from the man whose face was still flashing in her rear view mirror. 

I’m sorry, Jon.  I can’t do this to myself.  I just... can’t.

Not interested in holding anyone’s hand, she agitatedly tapped the shuffle button again.  She dabbed the nervous beads of perspiration from her forehead as a gentle piano melody swelled through the BMW’s interior. 

There.  That was better. 

Taking a deep and calming breath, Rachel coaxed herself to be mellowed by the soft music and Aaron Neville’s immediately recognizable voice.

“Look at this face, I know the years are showing.

Look at this life, I still don’t know where it’s going.

I don’t know much, but I know I love you.

And that may be all I need to know.

Look at these eyes, they’ve never seen what mattered.

Look at these dreams, so beaten and so battered.

I don’t know much, but I know I love you….

And that may be all I need to know.”

The panic that had wrapped her like an Egyptian mummy unraveled with each soulful lyric to be replaced by brimming tears. 

Well, shit.  Now I’m bipolar.

Sometimes it felt like it, but Rachel knew that wasn’t the case.  Not really.  This was more an instance of divine musical intervention, because, if ever a song could speak to her soul...  Well, this song at this moment was it.

She had no idea where her life was going.  So much had happened in her life the past couple of years that Rachel hadn’t had a clear path – and it bothered her more than she cared to admit.  The only time her lack of specific direction and destination hadn’t bothered Rachel was her time in New Jersey. 

With Jon. 

Sure, there had ultimately been unhappiness, but before that, there had been bliss.  Joy, comfort, camaraderie, companionship.  Hadn’t he been the one who had given her a reason to take that first tiny step past the accident that claimed Nick and her children?  If she hadn’t removed that wedding ring, she might still be clinging to a past that she couldn’t change. 

“So many questions, still left unanswered.

So much I’ve never broken through.

And when I feel you near me, sometimes I see so clearly.

The only truth I’ve ever known is me and you.”

Jon was the one who had helped her break through. 

“Look at this man, so blessed with inspiration.

Look at this soul, still searching for salvation.”

No, he wasn’t perfect, but neither was she.  They had problems, but everyone did.  And he’d indicated that he wanted to try – really try – to work them out. 

“I don’t know much, but I know I love you.”

Loving Jon wasn’t even a question.  She’d never stopped loving him.  But could she go forward not knowing where they were headed?

“And that may be… all I need to know.”

A spring of hope bubbled up in place of fear. 

Yes.  She could. 

Doubt was replaced with – while not certainty – a need.  What Rachel needed was simply Jon.   She had to see him again to be sure, but something deep inside her said that her future was behind her with the man that she’d just run away from.

Again.

Cinch up your big girl panties and stop running from what could be the best thing in your life.

Almost light-headed with relief, Rachel put her foot down on the accelerator a little harder and sped toward the next exit.  There, she repeated the underpass turn that had launched her “escape” and got back on the freeway with a clear mind and determination.

It wasn’t ALL bad, Rachel.  You’ve spent so much time focusing on the negative that you’ve forgotten all the good times.

And there were good times.  Simple everyday life with Jon had been good.   What would be considered mundane days to most people were some of the sweetest Rachel had ever known.  Commonplace activities like lounging by the pool or shopping for a Christmas tree had been special with Jon.  They’d lived day to day just like anyone else, but together their lives had been...  ordinarily exceptional.

And the man completely redecorated his bedroom because you thought the old mattress had ghosts.  Remember that?

Yes.  Jon was right.  He wasn’t some kind of ogre.  He was the man who had brought love back into her life.  At one time, he’d filled her world with happiness just by being a part of it, and she wanted to give him the chance to do it again.

The scant miles to the Arco Arena flew by in a blink and she found herself back at the same stoplight, looking at the huge sign with Jon’s face all over it.  This time, however, instead of running away, Rachel raced toward it with a smile on her face and long-sought peace in her heart.   

“I don’t know much, but I know I love you.

And that may be... all there is to know....”