Chapter 20 ~ Stripped

As much as Jon would’ve preferred proceeding directly to Rachel’s house, after the show came the “after party”.  Many times he could get away with not attending those kinds of things, but since this was his birthday, there was no way to gracefully avoid tonight’s gathering. 

Even if he had been tempted to bail on his band and crew, he couldn’t in good conscience bail on the special guest that had come in halfway through the show and stayed to visit.  California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was a long-time friend whom Jon hadn’t seen in a long time and that left him obligated to hang around and socialize for a bit. 

It had been mercifully short, Jon thought, as far as those things go.  Mandatory cake, a couple of drinks and the necessary chitchat to catch up with Schwarzenegger had totaled a bit less than two hours before they were able to slip out the side door to Rachel’s car. 

Rachel had weathered it beautifully, of course.  She’d always handled his social gatherings with the grace and aplomb of a dignitary, but toward the end she had begun to look a little weary.  Likely unused to the late hours, her eyes had gone a little bleary and her smile sagged just a bit around the corners. 

And, because she was tired, she assumed he was and fussed at him about his intention to be the one driving her car, contending that he must be exhausted after the show. 

“Not as exhausted as you are,” he declared, holding the passenger open with a look that dared her to argue with him.  “Now get your ass in and hand over the keys.”

She did, with only a slight haughty lift of her chin and the “dire” warning, “Don’t ride the brakes, don’t speed and keep your eyes on the road.”

“Yes, dear,” he intoned obediently, negating the meekness with an evil chuckle.  What could he say?  You had to admire a woman who loved her car. 

Jon tossed his bag in the seat behind his and took his place behind the wheel while Rachel appeared to be programming a GPS for him.  It was a good idea, he thought.  If she got too tired, she could nap for a bit on the hour-plus ride, reviving her enough to talk for a while when they got home. 

And – if I’m lucky – NOT talk for a while, too.

He started up the car, appreciating the smooth purr of the engine as he put it in gear.  Venue traffic had cleared by this late hour, giving them a straight shot to the freeway and the deserted streets gave Jon a chance to savor their private little vehicular cocoon.  The typical post-show buzz slowly seeped out of his veins and was replaced by a deep-seated contentment that felt better than anything he could recall in a long time.

Together and alone.  Finally.

“So...” He dropped his had to Rachel’s leg with a sideward glance as he followed the GPS instructions and guided the BMW onto the Interstate. “Did you have a good time tonight?”

“I really did,” she replied, placing her hand over his.  “I loved hearing you sing Elvis.  That’s one of my favorite songs of his.”

“I know.”  He flexed his fingers, gently hugging her thigh with his hand.  “Me, too.”

“So many people, though.  Does it make you nervous?  I mean, do you get stage fright or anything like that?”

Jon lifted an eyebrow and gave her a sideways glance.  “Did it look like I had stage fright?”

Her giggle was sweeter to his ears than any song he’d ever heard.  And when she squeezed his hand?  He was through the roof. 

Damn, I’ve missed her! 

“Well… no.  As a matter of fact, you looked downright cocky on that stage, but I thought maybe you were faking it.”

He didn’t have to see her face to hear the smile in her teased response.   “You’ve never seen me fake anything, honey.”

“Are you flirting with me, Bongiovi?”

“Nah.  Just stating the facts.”

From the corner of his eye, Jon could see her nod, and he felt her fingers slide between his before she dropped her head against the seat’s leather headrest. 

“It was incredible to see firsthand how all those people sang right along with you.  And the age range was amazing!  I saw high school kids and couples dragging their portable oxygen tanks behind them,” she laughed before becoming quiet.  “You must be incredibly proud.”

“Yeah, I guess.” 

This wasn’t really where or when he had planned to have this particular exchange, but his mind made the connection and it seemed like the perfect segue…

“Pride’s a double-edged sword, Rach,” he sighed, grateful for the late hour and nearly non-existent traffic that would allow him to concentrate more on steering the conversation than the car.  “It was pride that let you walk out of my house and, ultimately, out of my life.  It was also my mighty pride that let you get on that plane, so I don’t have much use for pride right now.   I’m more concerned with undoing the damage it and my ego have done to us.”

Her lack of reaction and prolonged silence concerned him a bit, but he didn’t want to go forward without her participation.  If he was going to have to actively pull her into this discussion, he would just wait until they got home. 

Jon had very nearly resigned himself to that plan of action when her quiet response finally came.    

“It wasn’t your pride that pushed me out the door or put me on that plane, Jon.  Those were my own decisions, based on the coping skills I had at the time.  You know what they say…‘when you know better, you do better’.”

He frowned and shook his head once.  “Make no mistake, Rachel, I could have stopped you if I hadn’t been overdosing on pride.   I knew it at the time.  Called myself every fuckin’ name in the book as I watched you climb the stairs on that plane, but I still wouldn’t do what it took to stop it from happening.  I knew right then that I needed to practice what I was always preaching to you – to let my guard down – but I didn’t.  I won’t make that mistake again.”

She turned in her seat, tucking her leg under her.  “Care to elaborate on that?”

Jon withdrew his hand from her lap and absently scraped the stubble beginning to form on his chin before dropping his hand to her lap again.  It was odd, he thought, how his hand resting on her thigh felt so completely non-sexual.  It was just… normal.  Familiar and intimate without any of the tension that sexual contact brought with it. 

Marvel at the normalness of it all later, jackass.  You have more important shit to deal with at the moment.

Pursing his lips, he considered how to best broach the subject that had been the bane of their relationship – Dorothea.  Truthfully, it didn’t matter what approach he chose.  There was a fifty-fifty shot that Rachel would go off the deep end, but the topic was unavoidable if he hoped to have a real future with her.   

“In order for you to really understand some of the things that went wrong between you and me – the way I reacted sometimes – you have to understand the role Dorothea played in me becoming the man I am today.” 

Jon held his breath for half a second, waiting for a sonic boom or her head to go spinning around like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist”, but all he got was a gentle hand on his arm, silently encouraging him to go on. 

Thank ya, Jesus.

“When I met Dorothea, I was just a kid.  A little shy… unsure… I didn’t really fit in, and neither did she.  At least not in the traditional high school football player/cheerleader molds.  Dorothea… she wasn’t worried about fitting in.  The girl had a confidence in herself that I envied and she ended up showing that kind of confidence in me.  I might not have had much self-confidence, but she had enough for both of us.  It was a helluva rush.  As long as I had her, I could fly, yanno?” 

Rachel didn’t speak.  She only nodded her head and absently scraped her nails along the hair on his arm while he continued to talk. 

“There were a few times she left me and even more that she threatened to.  When it happened before we were married, I just took up with some starlet or groupie.  After we married…. Well, I took up with more discreet starlets and groupies.   But she always came back – or let me come back – and I was grateful, because I was well aware that I needed her.   She was the safety net – the due north, if you will – that had always kept me centered during this crazy life of mine.”

Honestly, sometimes it still surprised him.  He’d thought Dorothea would always be there. 

Shows how much you know.

“When the final blow came, I knew right away that it was different.  This time there wasn’t gonna be a little cooling off period and then things would go back to normal.  I felt it in my gut and absolutely fuckin’ panicked because I knew I’d really lost her.  Dorothea was taking my babies away from me along with the only life I’d ever known, and I damn near lost my mind.  She was the only stable, constant thing in my life – her and those kids – and it was gone, just like that.”

He squinted into the headlights of an oncoming car as he got to the heart of his confessional. 

“Even if she’d been inclined to stay…  Well, the way I groveled so damn pitifully at her feet would’ve driven anybody away.  When she walked out the door I was literally on my knees.  Begging her to stay.   Who the hell wants to stay with a repulsive weakling like that?   It was the lowest point of my life.  By far the most demeaning, degrading… humiliating thing I’ve ever done.” 

It was almost as humiliating to relive that memory as it had been to endure it the first time, and sharing the story – admitting his embarrassment out loud – left Jon feeling incredibly vulnerable.  It was somewhat comforting that, even in the darkened car, he could see Rachel wiping tears off her cheeks.  The story was as hard for her to hear as it was for him to tell.  

Then fuckin’ finish it and be done, once and for all. 

“I sat on the floor just fuckin’ sobbing like a little girl.  I was hysterical, really, and more terrified than I’ve ever been in my life.  I was… absolutely broken.”  Jon’s voice cracked at the memory of that day, when his seemingly idyllic life turned into a nightmare of Biblical proportions.  “It was a bad scene.  Very bad.  Even my closest friends don’t know the details.  The only living soul I’ve ever told this story to is my so-called shrink – and now you.”

Rachel’s hand left his arm and her fingernails skated through his hair, as they had so many times before when he needed comforting. 

“You don't have to tell me this, Jon.  I know some things are just private, I get that.”

“No, that’s where you’re wrong.  I do have to tell you.  I had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment in the bottom of a bottle a while back, and I realized that, in order for us to work, I have to let you into a place nobody else has been except for Dorothea.  You need to understand why I sometimes reacted to you with so much venom, even though it wasn’t right.  You need to know it wasn’t you.  It was just old wounds being opened that caused me to say the mean and heartless shit that hurt you so much.”

“Alright… go on.”

There wasn’t really much more to say. 

“At the time, I didn’t know how I’d get through it, but I knew I would because that’s what I do.  , but I vowed right then and there that I’d never grovel like that again.   And I haven’t… not even for you.  That’s why I let you get on that plane and leave me.”

Rachel opened the glove compartment and took out a couple of drive-thru napkins that were stashed there.  She dabbed at her eyes and nose, sniffling in the darkness until she pushed teary words through her emotion-clogged throat.”

“I never needed for you to beg, Jon.  Not then, not now.  Ever.”

He took her fingers and gently pressed his lips against the knuckles.  It hadn’t been his intention to guilt trip her.

“I know that, sweetheart.  I do.  But I want you to know that I was wrong.  You’re worth begging for.  What we have is worth begging for.  I should’ve begged until my goddamn knees were bloody and told you all this shit so that you’d understand where I’m coming from.”

Another sniffle was the only reply he got from the other side of the car. 

“Rach…  Part of me will always feel like a total failure.  Hell, I failed you time and again and I’ll go to my grave feeling like I failed my kids.  All their heartbreak was because of my own actions.  Completely avoidable.  It’s why I’m so overindulgent when it comes to whatever they want, and whatever their mother wants from me.  I feel like I took on this girl, had these kids with her and then fucked it all to hell because I was a selfish bastard, a rotten husband, and by default, a shitty father.  It doesn’t matter how many stadiums I can sell out… I failed at the most important thing in life.  That’s my deep, dark secret that I never let out into the light of day.” 

“I’ve seen you with your children, Jon.  You’re a wonderful father.  And they idolize you.  We all make mistakes and have regrets in life, especially when it comes to our kids.”

“Look… I know considering your story about your family, my whining about not being able to live with my kids must seem ungrateful –“

She interrupted him before he could even finish the thought.  “Your sadness isn’t less significant just because my loss is more permanent.   Feeling like your children are hurt because of something you’ve done would be a huge burden, so you don’t need to qualify things or diminish them for my sake.”

He dipped his head once, slowly, to thank her.  Of course she would say that.  It’s just the way Rachel was.  She didn’t compare tragedies, she merely empathized and encouraged.  It was part of the reason he loved her.

“Anyway, you’ve seen it all now.  All the dark little cubbyholes of me are open to you like they’ve not been open to anyone that I wasn’t married to.  I’m sorry I was more concerned with keeping my fuckin’ pride intact than bothering to ask what it was you needed from me in our relationship.”

“And I wasn’t able to tell you what I wanted, or ask for you to do things differently.  It made me feel vulnerable and open to rejection, I suppose.   In fact, even if I’d have been able to ask, I’m not sure I knew what I needed.”

He heard her sigh and sniff, felt her flip her hand and fold her fingers around his own before she continued.

“When we first met, the physical attraction was so strong that we completely bypassed developing any kind of a foundation to our relationship before we were tearing each other’s clothes off.  The fact that we were sooo intimate made me feel… even more vulnerable.  I know I was defensive a lot of the time when I should have just talked to you about what I was feeling.  I guess I just expected you to be a mind reader.”

The tires singing against the pavement was the only sound in the car for a long moment as they both mulled over what had been said. 

“Yanno,” Jon mused, sliding his hand back into her lap with a smile.  “Maybe it wasn’t all bad, this time apart.  Sounds like we’ve both learned some important lessons when we had time to do something besides fuck each other’s brains out.”

Her laugh was delicate, still tinged with a wateriness imposed by her tears.  “You know what they say…. Sometimes for things to grow, they need some rain.”

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” he lamented with a laugh.  “If that’s true, I’d say the torrential downpour of our past has rooted us on some solid ground.  Don’t ya think?”

“I don’t know,” she replied, her fingers once again lightly scratching over his forearm.  “But I hope so.”